Over the weekend I went to a store called “Jungle Jims” which is near Cincinnati. I don’t really know how to describe it but it is like a cross between Sams Club, World Market, Ikea, Trader Joes, and a bad acid trip. So in other words, it is awesome. They have like every food imaginable from every country, except then they have like 5,000 varieties of each. Plus they sell ground kangaroo meat.
Time for some pictures…
The outside of the place kind of looks like the Rainforest Cafe or the outside of a petting zoo, also notice the back of Professor S the Magnificent in the bottom right corner. Yes I went grocery shopping with my in-laws. I know you are jealous.
There is also a bunch of giant ass fake fruit on the side of the building and a water fountain for some reason.
Directly inside the store there is a talking ear of corn and stick of butter that tell jokes next to a life size mannequin of the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz that will MURDER YOUR CHILDREN’S DREAMS
There is also this giant Campbell’s soup can with a face which was kind of creepy, not scarecrow creepy, but creepy nonetheless.
They also sold these giant pickles, if you look down on them the right way they look like a bunch of giant green turds floating around in a toilet bowl.
This thing is called the big cheese but wasn’t shaped like cheese and was made out of wood. It left me somewhat puzzled.
They also had a wall of salami, any place that has a wall of salami is OK in my book.
This is me and an $80 wheel of cheese. I did not purchase it because I do not have $80 to spend on giant wheels of cheese. If I had that kind of money I would blow it all on cheese though. This much is true.
That is a lot of motherfucking butter. Paula Deen just wet her pants a little.
This is seaweed beer. I was afraid to try it because it sounds terrible.
This is an animatronic Elvis dog or monkey, not sure which. They apparently stole it from Chuck E Cheese.
It is also the place I have ever been that sells frozen chickens with the heads and feet still attached. I like to look my food in the face while I am eating it’s dismembered flesh.
There was also this giant band made of cereal mascots, the Lucky Charms Leprechaun looks like he wants to get your 16 year old daughter pregnant. And the Cheerio’s bee looks like someone who would masturbate into your breakfast cereal. I’m just saying.
You can even buy dried goldfish. I don’t know why you would buy this when you can just take your fish out of the tank and place them on the food dehydrator. Yummy.
These are fishballs, I am pretty sure they aren’t what I think they are which disappoints me greatly.
They also sell hookahs, and hookah tobacco products. Any place you can buy a hookah, dried goldfish, $80 worth of cheese and be mind-raped by a bunch of giant puppets has got to be amazing.
And yes, in case you were wondering, the title for today’s post are all different terms for the area of flesh between your genitals and your butt-hole. Why? Because Fuck You, that’s why.