I Got Some New Freeloading Cats Awhile Ago

If you may recall, The Dingleberry passed away in February. In June, The Mrs. and I bought a house and got 2 new freeloading cats. They have serious mental health issues.

blind cat, cute cat picture, fake russian blue

This is Linnea, she is mostly blind. She had an untreated eye disease at birth and has a membrane that scarred and covered her eyes. We had the vet remove the membrane but it grew back and she is still pretty blind. She is awesome even if she hits her head on things a lot. She also suckles The Mrs.’s lips like a nipple all the time. She won’t do it to me though because she apparently doesn’t like facial hair.

cute cat picture, cat carving pumpkins, obese cat eats entire pumpkin

This is Elena, she looks and acts just like a male orange tabby cat I used to own named Riley, except she sounds like a pterodactyl. She eats literally anything including electrical cords and phone chargers, just like Riley. Sadly, that is what led to his demise. Here is a picture of her when we were carving pumpkins, she ate the rest of the pumpkin.

incestual lesbians, cats grooming each other, hot lesbian action

They are sisters, they are from the same litter but they totally make out with each other all the time. They are incestual lesbians.

sleepy kittens, sleeping cats

They are lazy freeloaders. They lay around and sleep 80% of the day. I have narcolepsy and I don’t even sleep that much. They spend the rest of their time running around like coked up crack fiends wrestling and breaking things. They don’t even have any money to replace the things that they break, plus I have to clean up their poop.

cats in tutus, cute cat picture

Here they are in their Halloween costumes. We got them both a tutu because that is pretty much the only thing we could get on them without being clawed to death. I plan on taking them trick or treating and pretending like they are human babies dressed up in very realistic cat costumes so I can get some free candy. I hope my plan works. If it doesn’t I will have to go to the store and buy some candy November first when it is on clearance.

This Will Be My New Cat

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I am purchasing a new house, when I move in June I am taking a cat that is living outside my sister-in-law’s house. She’s moving and the cat needs a new home. She has lived outside on the deck for a year and her main goal in life is to live inside. Her name used to be Mr. Patterson but they found out that she is a girl so they changed her name to Patterson. Then they started calling her Patty but that just got confusing because my name’s Patrick. So I renamed her Nicky Cage after Nicholas Cage. The Mrs. refuses to call her Nicky Cage and just calls her Nicky. Her name is totally Nicky Cage though. I am super excited to have her move in with us in a couple months.

 

Sad News

I know I haven’t blogged in awhile and will try to return to it. My wife has been ill all year and we have this sad news…

The reason for this short post to share with you that Rowan, my cat, AKA The Dingleberry for whom the blog is named for had to be put to sleep this past Monday due to cancer.

You have seen tons of him on this blog. He will be missed, RIP The original Dingleberry.

RIP Rowan aka The Dingleberry 04/2003-2/24/2014

RIP Rowan aka The Dingleberry
04/2003-2/24/2014

Video Evidence Of My Cat Molesting Me

I’ve written about my cat molesting me before, but my wife has actually recorded a video of it with her iphone. It is pretty disturbing to watch. Thankfully it is less than 30 seconds long, however it could have been much, much longer. He will literally keep doing this until I kick him off of me. I have tried to wait him out on several occasions but have never succeeded. He would keep doing this for hours if I let him. He is obsessed with kneading my throat, but watch the video and watch what he does with his back legs, that is the most disturbing part. He appears to be kneading me with his back paws as well, either that or he is attempting to hump me. Sometimes he will even balance himself on my arm and do that motion with his back legs. He is like a perpetual motion machine once he gets going. Some nights he will flip out because he wants to molest my face so bad, I have to let him do it or else he will whine and make a bunch of noises until I give in to his demands. If I don’t let him do it for at least 5 minutes he will keep being a drama queen. But if I let him do it for several minutes and then kick him off he is set for the night and will leave me alone. It sucks that I have to allow my cat to molest me every night just to get him to behave.

My Cat Tried To Make Sweet Love To My Face

The Dingleberry has developed a new habit over the last few months, he likes to attempt to strangle me in my sleep. I often wake up with him wrapping his paws around my throat and pressing down on it repeatedly. Some people call this kneading, I call it attempted murder. He only does it when I am laying down on my back, some times he will sit next to the bed and whine, and the only way to get him to stop is to let him jump onto my chest and let him feebly try to strangle me to death. He does not do this to the Mrs. for some odd reason, this behavior is directed solely at me every night.

Last night things took a turn for the worse, he did his normal routine of grabbing at my throat while I was sleeping but then he started acting a little strange (well strange for him, since cats attempting to strangle their owners is pretty fucking strange to begin with). While pressing down on my throat with his front paws he started to arch his back and lift up his hind legs and wiggling his buttocks, which is what cats commonly do during mating. I swear that if I had not kicked him off of me he would have started humping my face. Considering that male cats have barbed penises, this would have been a very unpleasant experience. I now fear going to sleep knowing that at any time during the night my cat may try to have sexual intercourse (coitus) with my face.

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Don’t let his innocent looks fool you, this is the face of a murderer/rapist.

We Finally Have A New Pope, One That We Can Trust, Pope Rowan Fitzgerald

Today is a monumental day in the history of the world. The new pope has finally been chosen after careful deliberation by the Catolic Church, dingleberry colored smoke has been spotted coming out of the Vatican.

All hail Pope Rowan Fitzgerald!!!

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My first command is that my solid gold litter box be filled with diamond encrusted kitty litter.

 

And there was much rejoicing.

Pope Rowan Fitzgerald wants you to know that many things shall remain the same. Sunday will still be a day of rest, and so will Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and there will be a second Saturday which will be dedicated to bathing one’s own genitals, then yes, more resting.

From this day forward Holy Communion will no longer involve sipping of wine and feasting of bread, but will now consist of catnip and Friskies Party Mix.

The Swiss Army will now not only protect the new Pope but will also be put in charge of hunting down and capturing the elusive red dot that has been evading capture for decades.

It will be mandatory that each prayer service ends with running around like a maniac for no apparent reason and clawing at every piece of furniture in sight.

And last and not least, if the humans leave a piece of paper laying around it must be sat on immediately, if it appears to be an important work or school document you must also make sure to wrinkle it and tear it up as much as physically possible.

Pope Rowan Fitzgerald has spoken.

Took The Dingleberry To The Vet and He Was Not Happy

The Dingleberry had to go to the vet for his yearly checkup. He had to get a bunch of shots and we also wanted to talk to the vet about his abnormal behavior. He likes to scratch at the nightstand next to the bed, but he only does it when both the Mrs. and I are in bed together. Even though he doesn’t have any claws he still bats at the metal handle and makes lots of noise. The only way to get him to stop is if I go into the living room and lay on the couch, then he lays on top of me and goes to sleep. In order to get him to the vet we had to put him in his cat carrier which he hates almost as much as he hates getting the rectal thermometer up his rectum. Fun fact: male cats have a barbed penis. Luckily the rectal thermometer isn’t barbed so it isn’t as painful as getting butt-raped by another male cat, The Dingleberry used to butt-rape his stepbrother all the time, it may or may not have aided in  his untimely demise.

Anyway, the mere sight of the cat carrier throws The Dingleberry into a rage and he scratched me with his still-existent back claws while I shoved him in the carrier against his will. He whines so much that we have to cover it with a blanket to keep him from screaming all the way to the vets office. It honestly sounds like we have a midget gimp in a little cage when we transport him places. Anyway once he got to the vet he was well behaved, the vet suggested spraying cat pheromones on things that he likes to attack in the middle of the night so that he will be calmer and possibly horny. Before bedtime he gets swaddled in a blanket covered in cat pheromones, it seems to calm him down because he hasn’t bothered us since trying it.

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Here he is behaving himself in the vets office. However once he got back in the cat carrier he started hissing at us and threatening to bite off our genitals.

Get That Cat A Suitcase, Cats Love Suitcases

So, the Mrs. and I are going out of town for a few days this weekend since I got 4 days off from work because they changed my schedule and it will probably be the last time I get that many days off in a row for awhile. I got the suitcase out of the closet and before I could even begin packing, the cat jumped on top of the suitcase and sat on it, plus he went totally limp which made it even more difficult for me to get him off of it so that I could pack it. Then as soon as I got all of my clothes packed in it and shut the lid, what happens? He squeezes into the suitcase before I zip it shut and climbs inside of it, then I had to peel him off of my clean clothes I just packed. Why are cats so obsessed with suitcases? Is it because he doesn’t want us to leave or are cats just obsessed with large containers that you put things in? Or is it because it is something that is only taken out once every few months which makes it new and exciting? I’m guessing it is a combination of everything.

Look at him, he just plopped down on it and look how comfortable he is, it looks like he has been sitting there for hours.

OMG it’s a suitcase! If I wore pants I would totally be shitting them right now!

I am pretty excited for my trip, but apparently I am not even half as excited as The Dingleberry is about sitting on the goddamn suitcase.

Goldfish, Motherfucker Do You Speak It?

Yesterday The Mrs. and I bought a fish tank. We didn’t get the fish until today though, because you have to wait several hours for the tank to be ready to put fish in, at least that is what the fish tank instructions and the people at Petsmart told us. The Mrs. got three fish while I was at work and their names are Michiko, Sadi, and Galen. When I got home we went out and got another goldfish, I named him Jules Winnfield.

Here’s The Dingleberry hanging out with the fish

 

Now he is behind the fish tank.

 

Michiko – Which is Japanese for wisdom and beauty.

 

Galen – which is Greek for calm. He is an algae eater, he eats fish poop. 

 

Sadi – which is Arabic for lucky.

 

And this is my boy, Jules Winnfield who is named after Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson’s character from Pulp Fiction.

 

“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know My name is the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon thee.” – Ezekiel 25:17

 

 

Fancy Cat Beds For Spoiled Freeloading Cats

Now I thought that I was lame for buying my cat a pet bed that matched the comforter on my bed, but then I looked around for some fancier beds on the internet and now I don’t feel so bad.

Here he is in his cat bed, I put it next to his favorite spot in the house, right next to a power strip. He loves being inches away from electrocution so this was naturally the right choice.

 

Unfortunately his luxurious cat bed looks like a steaming pile of feces next to these extremely fancy-ass beds that cost way too much for something that your cat may or may not ever sleep in, and will probably end up being soaked in urine at some point.

This first cat bed is shaped like a giant flower, I guess this would attract cats because they like eating flowers and other plants that are unhealthy to eat and are likely to give them the squirts.

 

A pink teacup shaped bed with a princess crown on it. This cat bed is perfectly fitting for my cat, wish I would have bought it, and yes, he is male.

 

Cat bed that is shaped like a giant cat’s head. When a cat sleeps in it, it’s cute. But if I were to sleep in a bed shaped like a giant human head, that would be considered “creepy”. Totally unfair.

 

This is a cat bed shaped like an old-timey psychotherapists couch. Cats could really use some counseling because they are all fucking insane. Notice the root beer box in the corner, that’s where the cat actually sleeps.

 

This looks like it belongs in A Christmas Carol. In the morning he will be visited by 3 spirits, the ghost of that squirrel he ate, the ghost of the spool of yarn he pooped out, and the ghost of his missing testicles.

 

I am totally going to buy this pink Malibu dream car cat bed for my cat as if he isn’t enough of a flaming homosexual already. Plus,it goes perfectly with his hot pink feather boa. Plus it has custom license plates, awesome! I am proud of my gay cat.