If you may recall, The Dingleberry passed away in February. In June, The Mrs. and I bought a house and got 2 new freeloading cats. They have serious mental health issues.
I am purchasing a new house, when I move in June I am taking a cat that is living outside my sister-in-law’s house. She’s moving and the cat needs a new home. She has lived outside on the deck for a year and her main goal in life is to live inside. Her name used to be Mr. Patterson but they found out that she is a girl so they changed her name to Patterson. Then they started calling her Patty but that just got confusing because my name’s Patrick. So I renamed her Nicky Cage after Nicholas Cage. The Mrs. refuses to call her Nicky Cage and just calls her Nicky. Her name is totally Nicky Cage though. I am super excited to have her move in with us in a couple months.
I know I haven’t blogged in awhile and will try to return to it. My wife has been ill all year and we have this sad news…
The reason for this short post to share with you that Rowan, my cat, AKA The Dingleberry for whom the blog is named for had to be put to sleep this past Monday due to cancer.
You have seen tons of him on this blog. He will be missed, RIP The original Dingleberry.
I’ve written about my cat molesting me before, but my wife has actually recorded a video of it with her iphone. It is pretty disturbing to watch. Thankfully it is less than 30 seconds long, however it could have been much, much longer. He will literally keep doing this until I kick him off of me. I have tried to wait him out on several occasions but have never succeeded. He would keep doing this for hours if I let him. He is obsessed with kneading my throat, but watch the video and watch what he does with his back legs, that is the most disturbing part. He appears to be kneading me with his back paws as well, either that or he is attempting to hump me. Sometimes he will even balance himself on my arm and do that motion with his back legs. He is like a perpetual motion machine once he gets going. Some nights he will flip out because he wants to molest my face so bad, I have to let him do it or else he will whine and make a bunch of noises until I give in to his demands. If I don’t let him do it for at least 5 minutes he will keep being a drama queen. But if I let him do it for several minutes and then kick him off he is set for the night and will leave me alone. It sucks that I have to allow my cat to molest me every night just to get him to behave.
The Dingleberry has developed a new habit over the last few months, he likes to attempt to strangle me in my sleep. I often wake up with him wrapping his paws around my throat and pressing down on it repeatedly. Some people call this kneading, I call it attempted murder. He only does it when I am laying down on my back, some times he will sit next to the bed and whine, and the only way to get him to stop is to let him jump onto my chest and let him feebly try to strangle me to death. He does not do this to the Mrs. for some odd reason, this behavior is directed solely at me every night.
Last night things took a turn for the worse, he did his normal routine of grabbing at my throat while I was sleeping but then he started acting a little strange (well strange for him, since cats attempting to strangle their owners is pretty fucking strange to begin with). While pressing down on my throat with his front paws he started to arch his back and lift up his hind legs and wiggling his buttocks, which is what cats commonly do during mating. I swear that if I had not kicked him off of me he would have started humping my face. Considering that male cats have barbed penises, this would have been a very unpleasant experience. I now fear going to sleep knowing that at any time during the night my cat may try to have sexual intercourse (coitus) with my face.
Today is a monumental day in the history of the world. The new pope has finally been chosen after careful deliberation by the Catolic Church, dingleberry colored smoke has been spotted coming out of the Vatican.
All hail Pope Rowan Fitzgerald!!!
And there was much rejoicing.
Pope Rowan Fitzgerald wants you to know that many things shall remain the same. Sunday will still be a day of rest, and so will Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and there will be a second Saturday which will be dedicated to bathing one’s own genitals, then yes, more resting.
From this day forward Holy Communion will no longer involve sipping of wine and feasting of bread, but will now consist of catnip and Friskies Party Mix.
The Swiss Army will now not only protect the new Pope but will also be put in charge of hunting down and capturing the elusive red dot that has been evading capture for decades.
It will be mandatory that each prayer service ends with running around like a maniac for no apparent reason and clawing at every piece of furniture in sight.
And last and not least, if the humans leave a piece of paper laying around it must be sat on immediately, if it appears to be an important work or school document you must also make sure to wrinkle it and tear it up as much as physically possible.
Pope Rowan Fitzgerald has spoken.
The Dingleberry had to go to the vet for his yearly checkup. He had to get a bunch of shots and we also wanted to talk to the vet about his abnormal behavior. He likes to scratch at the nightstand next to the bed, but he only does it when both the Mrs. and I are in bed together. Even though he doesn’t have any claws he still bats at the metal handle and makes lots of noise. The only way to get him to stop is if I go into the living room and lay on the couch, then he lays on top of me and goes to sleep. In order to get him to the vet we had to put him in his cat carrier which he hates almost as much as he hates getting the rectal thermometer up his rectum. Fun fact: male cats have a barbed penis. Luckily the rectal thermometer isn’t barbed so it isn’t as painful as getting butt-raped by another male cat, The Dingleberry used to butt-rape his stepbrother all the time, it may or may not have aided in his untimely demise.
Anyway, the mere sight of the cat carrier throws The Dingleberry into a rage and he scratched me with his still-existent back claws while I shoved him in the carrier against his will. He whines so much that we have to cover it with a blanket to keep him from screaming all the way to the vets office. It honestly sounds like we have a midget gimp in a little cage when we transport him places. Anyway once he got to the vet he was well behaved, the vet suggested spraying cat pheromones on things that he likes to attack in the middle of the night so that he will be calmer and possibly horny. Before bedtime he gets swaddled in a blanket covered in cat pheromones, it seems to calm him down because he hasn’t bothered us since trying it.
So, the Mrs. and I are going out of town for a few days this weekend since I got 4 days off from work because they changed my schedule and it will probably be the last time I get that many days off in a row for awhile. I got the suitcase out of the closet and before I could even begin packing, the cat jumped on top of the suitcase and sat on it, plus he went totally limp which made it even more difficult for me to get him off of it so that I could pack it. Then as soon as I got all of my clothes packed in it and shut the lid, what happens? He squeezes into the suitcase before I zip it shut and climbs inside of it, then I had to peel him off of my clean clothes I just packed. Why are cats so obsessed with suitcases? Is it because he doesn’t want us to leave or are cats just obsessed with large containers that you put things in? Or is it because it is something that is only taken out once every few months which makes it new and exciting? I’m guessing it is a combination of everything.
Look at him, he just plopped down on it and look how comfortable he is, it looks like he has been sitting there for hours.
I am pretty excited for my trip, but apparently I am not even half as excited as The Dingleberry is about sitting on the goddamn suitcase.
Yesterday The Mrs. and I bought a fish tank. We didn’t get the fish until today though, because you have to wait several hours for the tank to be ready to put fish in, at least that is what the fish tank instructions and the people at Petsmart told us. The Mrs. got three fish while I was at work and their names are Michiko, Sadi, and Galen. When I got home we went out and got another goldfish, I named him Jules Winnfield.
Now I thought that I was lame for buying my cat a pet bed that matched the comforter on my bed, but then I looked around for some fancier beds on the internet and now I don’t feel so bad.
Unfortunately his luxurious cat bed looks like a steaming pile of feces next to these extremely fancy-ass beds that cost way too much for something that your cat may or may not ever sleep in, and will probably end up being soaked in urine at some point.